Now that facebook is on, I find it a hassle to upload pictures on Xanga and blog. Besides, I doubt I have any readers who will visit my blog often so I didn't blog. This post is going nowhere so I suggest whoever who's reading this now, to just exit. I'm just trying to argue with my innerself and answer some questions which has been bothering me for the past one week.

Well, life has been rather mundane simple for me after school has officially ended. All I have been doing is to give tuition, work for dad and visit love at work. Nothing really interesting at tuition other than I have seen some improvements with the kid which pleases me a lil. Working for dad is tough, one of the toughest job ever. But the thought of him and my mum working so hard just to pay my uni fees made me feel that I should not complain and rant. If it's not for me, they won't be down with so much illness and all. It hurts me to see them strive like this just for my fees and my future. And it worries me more because I'm not confident enough to confirm that Law is what I wanna do. I understand that a degree is a must for most jobs now and I know that my parents would very much want me to study so that I can earn big bucks in the future. Its all for my own good. But as much as I know all these, I'm getting sick of it. My future is mine, I should work for it but why is it that my parents are the one working for my future and here I am slacking like a bum and waiting for people to help me make decisions? I feel ashamed, literally ashamed by myself.

I posted some questions to myself and asked if I really want to get a law degree. Is it for the fame and high salary? Is it because I do not want to waste 3 years of my poly life and now I have got no choice but to continue law for another 4 years? Is it because of the peer influence and family pressure which makes me decide that I'm going to leave Singapore for 4 years to get a law degree which I may not practice at the end of it? Are the fees too expensive and the thought of how hard my parents gotta work to support me to uni that is making me have cold feet? Is it because of my low self esteem thinking that I will never make it and that I'm not cut out to be a lawyer, or is my cranky menses putting me to all these thoughts now? Best still, is it because I cannot leave my family and my love here in Singapore and that I'm just so dependent on them that is making me feel lost right now. Screwed.

I admit it's for the fame and high salary and not so much of great interest that I'm going into law. It's not that I'm not interested, but the interest is not that strong for me to say that yes, law is the one for me. I want to be a lawyer or public prosecutor to carry out justice. Like come on, hello Cherie. You think you superwoman ah. I may be kaypo but I would rather clinch more business deals. CEO is not a bad job for me yo. Hah. But I know if I graduate with a Business Degree, I will not stand out. So why not do my law degree and proceed from there on. Its also true that I do not want to waste my 3 years in poly since I know I will be able to score well if I really study and mug real hard. My poly life was slack as compared to when I really wanna study. The fees are not much of an issue cause I can always take up a loan if I do not want my parents to work so hard. Besides, I wouldn't mind getting a partial loan myself since I know I will study harder as I feel the pinch. Yes, I may be dependent but I know if I go overseas, somehow I will be able to live my life as well. There is always phone/skype/msn and 5 months holidays for me to visit my love & family each year. I not scared!

So just what the hell is the problem? Bahhhs! Menses, must be it. Making me feel like shit at this point of time. If not I won't be blogging all these nonsense.

Leaving that aside, I have been feeling trembles whenever I get nervous, angry or uptight recently. It seems that I cannot control my emotions, actions and speech. I have no idea why is this happening. I admit, it hit me quite bad and has been making my mood going up and down like a roller coaster. I feel like shit, seriously like shit. Just few weeks ago, I went to the Chinese Physician for a check up. He says that I'm someone who can't take much stress and I panic easily, which is true. My pulse rate was going so fast even while I was waiting for him to give me a diagnosis of my illness. He got to re-take more than 5 times my blood pressure before he could get the accurate rate. He asked if my parents must have got really high expectations of me when I was a kid and if they scare me too much, which results in all these now. Interesting. And now, I gotta go back to him next week to get pills for my heredity illness and to ask him for pills to control my emotions.

I always say I want to do business. But right now, I'm not choosing a business degree because everyone is saying that it is useless and I cannot find a job with it. Is that it? So what now, should I get a business degree or a law degree? Should I do my law degree first n business degree as part time? Or should I give up law and go straight into business?

No. That's not it. I'm not doing a business degree because I know that I can always do it next time. It's just a 1-2 years part time course where as for law, I know I will not want to spend another 4 years doing a full time degree if I miss this chance. So I say, I will just complete my law degree and get a business degree (part time) when I'm done and if I still feel like studying. Ah. This is an improvement, finally I'm making a decision.

Mass Communications and Medicine is something I feel like doing until now. But no science school will take me in since I have no basics. That option is out. Mass Communications is just an interest of mine. I'm seriously interested in doing productions. I enjoy carrying the instruments around, filming, editing and everything. But I think that's just for the fun of it, nothing else. Besides, I have no idea where a Mass Communications degree can lead me to. I doubt I will want to work in Mediacorp.

I'm indecisive, when can I ever change this bad habit.
I need some encouragement.

And have I told anyone about this?
I applied to Monash for double degree for Bachelor in Laws and Bachelor in Performing Arts!!!
Yea, I know my GPA is far away from that but can try.
The Bachelor in Laws is nothing to be surprised about.
But come on!!! Hello!!! Bachelor in Performing Arts aye!!!
Need audition and interview, think I will fail judging by my standard.
But... Damn it! It's Performing Arts!!! I like.
I don't think my parents will approve me of that.
However, I secretly wish that they would ask me to go for an interview tho'. HAHAHA!

Actually I know what I really want to do but that's only achievable in dreams.
I want to get into Vienna University of Music or some Dance University.
I wouldn't mind doing that for my whole entire life.
Just play my music and dance.
How nice.

But Cherie, wake up from your dream and come back to reality.
Life doesn't work this way.
So just get your ass to Aussie, complete the damn law degree and return back to Singapore.

Alright, enough said.
I think my brain juice is almost 100% gone after so much thoughts and editing.

Thanks to my love.
I feel myself becoming more decisive and making less excuses.
You're a gift, my present n future.

Peace.

p.s: It's great to see all of us moved on to a better somewhere but at the same time, it's upsetting to see that friends really just come and go. Its getting harder for me to tell who my true friends really are. If something were to hit me badly, who can I turn to. Right now, I can think of no one. Not to mention about my family and love. Just friends per se. And that's really sad, for me.

I do not need many friends, I just want a few true friends.

This time round, I don't even know when/how I lost it.
Once again, I have to go through all the replacement procedures.
Best still, it's Labour Day today and I doubt they open on weekends.
So I gotta wait till Monday before I can get everything done.

Got screwed badly by mum. Almost teared but held back.
She said I can't even take care of my belongings, how can I take care of myself when I go abroad.
Emphasized again and again that I'm a good-for-nothing and I'm better off dead.
I know she's hurting when she said that but I don't understand why she said all those words.

Called love.
Couldn't take it.
Teared.

Dad consoled me in the end.
Telling me that its over, its okay and nobody is to mention bout this incident again.
Passed me some cash to tide over this weekend as well.

I love him.
The man of my life.
Not because of the money, but the fact that he knows what I needed was some consolation and not those scoldings and blames. And the ever-lasting love.

I love mummy too.
Although she nags a lot but I know for sure, she cares the most!

& I love you too, baby.
For all the good & the bad. Simply everything.

Peace.

---

Some kind soul returned my wallet to me! OMG!
They, who happened to be my neighbour, called Jae (her no. was in my wallet) and Jae contacted me! :D
Rahs. Hahaha. HAPPY!!!!! So now I know where I lost it.
I actually dropped my wallet in the carpark lot which I parked my car at and the guy who drove into the lot saw my wallet and kept it for me. *winks*
Super Heng right?
I thought so too but it was all a facade.
Not that I lose anything in the wallet, everything was still inside.
BUT!!!!!!! I scratched a car by accident. YES! I SCRATCHED IT!
It all happened in less than a minute.
Kudos to the stupid lorry who refuses to move away. Damn!
At first I thought that guy is nice, telling me its okay since its a company's car and the scratch weren't serious.
LIKE DUH, my car WAS SO MUCH WORSE OFF and it ain't exactly my fault also!
And he commented that my car was pretty much more serious etc etc.
Still, he got my number in the end. All thanks to the china wife nag nag nag.

But whatever luh, I'm bringing him to Yigong's workshop.
Yigong says he will be able to charge me "pengpeng".
Couple of ten bucks - Even lesser than the 80buckeroos which Law quoted.

And definately lesser than whatever I have inside my wallet.

Lord Buddha, bless me please.
Safe. Peace. Health.
If you have extra power and time, bless me Wealth too. LOL.

Peace.

There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Oh, seems so long ago you walked away
Left me alone
I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
and maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Was it something I said
To make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
But right now..

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains..

You're gone..
You're gone..
Baby you're gone
Girl you're gone, baby girl, you're gone..
You're gone..
You're...

I don't wanna make excuses, baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know?
Time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
and maybe I could change my every day
But baby I don't want to

So I'll just hang around
and find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
and I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do

Yeeaah....

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I Drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

You're gone..
You're gone..
You're gone
You're gone...you're gone.. you're....
Gone

Ohhh...

Oh what'll I do
If I can't be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby where will I be
Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart?
Baby why don't you see?
That I need you here with me
Oohhh...

I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

Been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains

You're gone..
You're gone..
You're gone
You're gone
Gone
You're gone..

But the truth remains
You're....

// edited.
If given a chance, I know I will do as well too.
Why? The trust seems to be gone.

TPDE Gems 4 Fairy Our Tale.
I like it. Wished I had the Saturday ticket too. But sigh.
May the concert be a success!

---

They asked why.
I told them there's no reason.
I am willing to give in my 101%.
But now, I'm all shattered.

Just leave me alone.